Disempowerment has been an enduring social ill since our ancient beginnings. Disempowered people feel voiceless, marginalized, and helpless in the face of systems or structures that limit their opportunities and influence. It’s a doorway for traumatic experiences, especially chronic trauma like childhood abuse/neglect, domestic violence, or war. Various movements have challenged and, to some extent, dismantled institutionalized disempowerment throughout history, but struggles and disparities remain. Disempowerment has evolved and taken on new forms in the digital age, like online harassment, digital exclusion (e.g., lack of access due to economic means), and algorithmic bias (e.g., when algorithms learn to reflect human biases). Given its long-standing history with humanity, it’s fair to believe that our societal struggles with disempowerment will extend into the future.
It is crucial to understand and accept that disempowerment is a pervasive theme in our society today. By doing so, we give ourselves more space to compassionately reconsider any behaviors we currently use to cope with the aching pain of powerlessness. Whether you can pinpoint past traumatic experiences or not, a heightened sense of powerlessness is a warning sign that you may need a change. While we can’t always change our circumstances, there are many beliefs and behaviors that we can work on to lessen feelings of helplessness and get your power back. Empowerment arises in you through consistent, positive actions and avoiding behaviors that drain your power. The following article explores some beliefs and behaviors that may be stealing your power, as well as antidotes that can help reverse the healing flow of power back into yourself.
Believing that someone is coming to save you
Many people hold the unconscious or conscious belief that they will someday be rescued or given the answers to life. The belief can be planted in childhood in a myriad of ways. You may not have been protected as a child. Since people may not have come to your aid, your belief may be an unfulfilled wish. On the other hand, you may have been overprotected by caregivers as a kid. In this case, you might find yourself wondering why no one is explaining “the rules” or thinking that others are just refusing to tell you the answers in adulthood.
The hard realization is that while some people can provide help sometimes, no one can save you. You have to save yourself. This can take a long time to realize, and some never do. While it can be a sad or scary realization, it is ultimately a beautiful opportunity for you to create a deeper, more meaningful relationship with yourself.
- Antidote: Remind yourself, “That’s a beautiful fantasy. I’m going to step up and save myself. It’ll be hard, but it’ll be worth it.”
Believing that you can’t heal unless you get a perfect apology
Believing that your healing is contingent on someone’s apology is a self-defeating idea that only keeps you stuck. Accepting that you don’t need an apology may initially feel painful to consider – maybe the thought stirs up confusion, doubt, anger, or sadness. That means you are working through the grief that comes from losing the fantasy that an apology is a cure-all. Arriving at full acceptance requires you to recognize that you’re in this grieving process and commit to participating in it. As you do so, you can also work to compartmentalize the pain so that it is not your whole identity.
Additionally, it’s helpful to consider the likelihood that the person who hurt you could or would give you a satisfactory apology. Usually, people who have hurt you enough to spur rumination are not likely to reflect and apologize. Accepting this harsh reality is a pathway to taking back your power.
- Antidote: Accept that you don’t need the apology to heal.
Trying to get approval from people who withhold it
Sometimes we find ourselves habitually trying to get approval from people who are mean to us or do not care about us. This can happen if we did not get approval from caregivers in childhood. In adulthood, we continue to reenact this pattern (seeking approval from a cruel or uninterested party) because it’s familiar. As humans, we naturally associate familiarity with greater reliability, safety, and comfort. Trauma just confuses this natural association, resulting in these unhealthy approval-seeking behaviors. You start abandoning yourself to get these people’s approval, which is draining. While just dropping your expectation for approval is easier said than done, you can begin by giving yourself the approval and validation you crave.
- Antidote: Release your expectation for approval.
Always avoiding conflict or always fighting/crusading
Conflict is a big trigger for people who experienced a lot of animosity amongst their caregivers in childhood. Understandably, this makes it confusing and/or scary to navigate conflict as an adult. It’s best to balance standing up for yourself or others and simply moving on. Always doing either will drain your power – a middle ground is key. If this perspective resonates with you, consider embracing “balance” as a value you would like to embody. You can similarly focus yourself by identifying and choosing to embody any of your other values, such as integrity, love, family, belonging, perspective, curiosity, and so on.
For avoiders: Protect yourself in conflict by setting boundaries around how you allow yourself to be treated. Step away if you feel emotionally or physically threatened in conflict. If someone is willing to abandon you for speaking up, allow them to do so. If you are afraid you will be met with criticism, mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the conversation beforehand and do a self-care activity after the conversation to positively reinforce yourself.
For crusaders: Compassionately consider that you might be reading into people’s intentions incorrectly or accidentally asking for/expecting too much of others. If this feels too unachievable, switch to becoming curious about what about you, the other person, or the situation is making it so difficult. Doing so may give you more insight into your triggers, which is a crucial step to empowerment. Try to make your goal about getting yourself “unstuck” rather than about proving, teaching, punishing, etc.
- Antidote: Clarify your values and learn conflict management skills.
Putting yourself down with negative self-talk
Self-deprecation is a natural part of the fawning reaction. Think of a dog who rolls on their back to show their belly when you approach: that is fawning. A child in the fawning response is saying to their caregivers, “If I’m nice to you, will you please not be mean to me/leave me?” You can start throwing a wrench into this response with reminders that putting yourself down is never productive, even if it feels like it is. It is a habitual reaction based on past experiences, meaning it will require intentional work to reprogram. When you hear your inner critic’s voice in your head, you can say, “Thanks, I heard you,” and move on rather than internalizing or verbalizing it.
- Antidote: Focus on letting go of what others think.
Conclusion
There are many beliefs and behaviors that can unintentionally lead to our disempowerment – the list above only touches on a key few where we can take back some control over our healing. As always, remember to be compassionate and patient with yourself as you discover and work on these patterns in your life. The process of becoming empowered, much like the process of healing, is not linear. If you need additional guidance, you can demonstrate care for yourself by seeking out professional help from a mental health care provider. Finally, remind yourself to rest periodically while you are working on yourself. Life is a not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and there are “trainers” ready to help along the way if you ever need it!
To schedule an appointment with OnePatient, contact info@onepatient.org.
